How often should you really be having sex? A sex therapist has the answers

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Rethink your sexual expectations: focus on connection, communication, and non-sexual intimacy instead. Photo / 123rf
WARNING: This story deals with sexual content and is suitable for adults only.
Kiwi sex and relationships coach Sofie Louise separates fact from fiction about how often you should be intimate with your partner.

“If I don’t have sex with my boyfriend at least once a month, I’m
worried he’ll leave me.” This is what a client said to me a couple of weeks ago and it’s certainly not a new sentiment. In fact, I hear a version of this nearly every week from different clients.

Most of them are running an almost-unconscious tally in their head of how long it’s been since they last had sex with their partner, and therefore how much pressure they need to put on themselves to say “yes” when they initiate next.
But this mental arithmetic isn’t limited to women with low libidos. Most people hold a belief about how often sex should happen in their relationship for it to be considered “healthy.”
For some, this is a few times a week, while for others it might be once every six months so long as there’s some occasional unenthusiastic oral sex mixed in to keep their partner happy.
I’m frequently asked what my professional opinion is on how often people should be having sex.
My answer is the same every time – as often as you genuinely want to.
That’s partly because, despite what most people think, there is almost zero correlation between frequency of intercourse and sexual or relationship happiness.
Nor is there much of a correlation with adventurous positions, sexual novelty, attractiveness, being kinky, or even being sexually “skilled,” whatever that really means.
In fact, the only sexual behaviour that has any significant correlation to your satisfaction levels is whether you’re cuddling after sex.
There is one caveat to this, however.
Having expectations about how often you should be having sex can reduce your satisfaction levels if you’re not achieving this number.
With a 2020 study conducted by Adult Toy Mega Store showing that more than one in four Kiwis feel dissatisfied with the frequency of sex they’re having, this caveat is a significant one.
Beyond impacting yourself, these expectations may also be noticed by your partner through both your explicit and implicit communication. This can either make them feel guilty for not meeting your expectations, or leave them feeling pressured to treat sex as a chore-like obligation, instead of an exciting shared experience.
When this many people are feeling disappointed by the quantity of sex they’re having, it indicates that our expectations may be bordering on unrealistic. This is thought to be impacted by our assumptions about how often other people are having sex.
Multiple studies show that people assume that others are having far more sex than they actually are, commonly guessing that other people are having up to five times more sex than the actual amount.
The truth? Only 72% of New Zealanders are having sex more than a few times a year.
There’s a never-ending list of reasons for this. Physical health problems, kids, and low body confidence are each found to negatively impact almost 25% of New Zealanders’ sex lives.
It’s clear that believing you have to have sex a certain number of times every month isn’t benefiting your sex life or your relationship. This is an invitation to change what goal you’re measuring.
Instead of counting sexual interactions, I recommend focusing on how much time you spend working on your sex life, ideally spending at least a few hours each week on this.
This can look many different ways.
You could spend an hour chatting with your partner about what turns them on (and off), what fantasies they have, and what their favourite sexual experiences have been. This helps you to learn about your partner and create experiences that push all the right buttons for them, so they’ll naturally want to have more sex.
You might spend more time connecting in a non-sexual way, building your connection by organising phone-free, distraction-free date nights with just the two of you, enhancing feelings of love and care in a way that often increases sexual desire.
Prioritising non-sexual physical intimacy can also come under this umbrella, committing to cuddling on the couch instead of sitting at opposite ends of it while you watch TV in the evenings, or agreeing that you’ll always greet each other with a kiss when you get home.
Finally, if it feels like there are bigger underlying problems that are blocking the natural flow of excitement between you and your partner, you can use the time you’ve set aside to work with a coach, therapist, or counsellor on deeper issues.
When you put time into these things, you’ll naturally find that your sex life starts to become more vibrant, with more desire to have sex coming from both sides.
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